There are six sets of psychological skills that can help you compensate for and overcome borderline behavior patterns. Learning these skills is much like learning any type of new skill. It requires a willingness to set aside the time and effort needed to learn. It requires a willingness to make mistakes. It requires persistence in the face of negative self-talk. It requires belief in the effectiveness of the skills.

Americans of the 21^st century have become conditioned to expect instant gratification from our affluent culture. Sometimes this makes us impatient with ourselves when we have to learn something new and challenging. People with BPD are no different in this respect than anyone else. If your borderline behavior is troublesome to you and if you really are willing to make changes then these skills will help you do this.

The six skill sets include:

We are going to focus on the Soothing skills. This is the first set of skills that you need to master in order to overcome BPD. Detailed descriptions of all of these skills can be found in The Angry Heart self-help book.

There are four skills in this set: relaxing (deep breathing), objectifying your problem/stress, visualizing your solution, and obtaining the results you visualize and want. Together they are called ROVO.

Why it is important. Life outside the zone requires that we learn how to calm our emotions without depending on addictive activities.

How long it will take to learn. Practice is everything. Plan on at least 30 minutes of daily practice five days per week for about two months to master all three skills in this set. The average person spends more time than this daydreaming so most people have little trouble finding the time to practice. The real hurdle is your willingness to practice, but if you have read this far you are probably really into what we are saying. If you can't spare 30 minutes, then try starting out with 5 minutes.

The easiest of the ROVO Soothing skills to learn is Slow Deep Breathing (SDB). The hardest skills to master is Objectifying and Obtaining. Visualizing falls in between the other two. The good news is that SDB will help you to master the three other skills in the Soothing set.

Explain how to do it.

Relaxing. Learning to relax your body and your thoughts is an wonderful skill to master. If you can do this, you will feel incredibly relaxed and safely remain on the SACRED road to recovery. There are many methods of relaxation that range from Yoga meditation to biofeedback. We chose the relaxation method that is the easiest to learn as the one to share with you: Slow, Deep Breathing (SDB).

Your objective is to develop the ability to calm your mind as soon as you feel your thoughts starting to race or as soon as you feel your anger starting to build. It is necessary that you practice slow deep breathing or SDB nearly every day for about 15 to 30 minutes (5 minutes is the minimum) until you can calm yourself on demand. A rating, after practice, of 3 or less on the 0 to 10 relax scale (see the Self-Help Box for details about the rating scale) is your goal.

Now, here are the basic instructions for learning SDB:

Done properly, SDB will shut down the part of your nervous system that reacts with tension, mental agony, and negative emotions to stressors (both external and internal in origin). This technique is highly effective. It has been used, in various forms, by millions of people worldwide to manage tension. You can learn it in about 8 to 12 sessions. However, it is very important that you pair a key phrase such as "I am calm" to your relaxed state of mind and body. You can select any short phrase you like. Other effective possibilities are: "Safe", "One", "At Peace", "Calm & Relaxed", "Warm & Safe" and so on. Write your key phrase in the box that follows (print this section out):

SDB and your key phrase can be used as soon as you start to encounter a stressful situation. To use SDB at just the right moment, you need to get in touch with your hourly stress level. If you wait until your stress level exceeds a rating of 4 to 5, you will probably not want to use SDB. You will probably fall back on old addictive behaviors. Suggestion: rate your stress levels every two hours for the day or so (keep your ratings on an index card with the date and time of each rating). This will help you get more in touch with your hourly stress level.

Here are two stress situations where using SDB can make a major difference.

Use it to calm your mental agony. Once you have paired your key phrase with SDB relaxation, you can use your key phrase to calm yourself by simply repeating it to yourself during a stressful moment. Then, after a few SDBs, you will feel more control of yourself and of the situation. But remember, SDB will work best if you start using it before your stress levels go above 4 or 5.

Use it in tense interpersonal situations. Remember relationship control phobia? When you start to feel angry and misunderstood, instead of acting on impulse, focus your mind on your key phrase for a few moments. Take a brief time out. Repeat your key phrase to yourself several times. Slow your breathing down a little. Remind yourself that you are in control. Try to understand the other person so they can better understand you. Sometimes, you have to give a little to get a little.

Objectifying. Objectifying is a skill which empowers a person to look at a situation, and its emotions, thoughts, and impulses, with full awareness and choice. Objectifying is the opposite of impulsive reaction or gratification. It is a soothing skill because, like SDB, it will help keep you calm and safe.

Your objective is to focus your awareness on the stressful situation, its emotions, thoughts, and impulses, while describing what is happening to you, what you are feeling, and what you are thinking as a TV reporter might do. That is, as if you were observing everything from the outside. Your job is to report everything without reacting. Remember, objectifying means describing what is happening without reacting to it.

This skill is harder to develop than SDB because it requires greater self-control. To learn it you need to describe what you feeling as you are feeling it. This is a tough thing for us to do because of our psychotraumatic experiences (our instinct is to numb, deny, forget, or stuff stressful feelings). However, the combination of your journal writing, Samuel's writings, and your SDB skill practice can help. This combination can empower you to objectively describe what you are feeling and thinking without acting on them until, with full awareness and choice, you consciously decide to do so.

Here is a practice exercise that will help you to learn objectifying:

The use of Objectifying depends on mastering SDB. Together, they are used with, the next Soothing skill, Visualizing, to manage stressful situations as follows:

1. Don't get emotional. Use SDB and your key phrase to calm your emotions and impulses. Identify the stressor. Identify the emotions and the body location of the emotions it generates in you. Identify the action impulses it generates in you. Identify the disruptive effects it is having on your thought process. Use simple sentences and neutral words to objectify what is happening to you.

2. Focus on the source of the stress. Identify it as clearly as you can. Is it in the environment? Or is it coming from within your mind? Once you have identified it, describe it in simple words. Then identify the effect the stressor is having on you. What emotions are you feelings? What action impulses are you experiencing? Are your thoughts racing? Are your thoughts confused? Are you experiencing a flood of emotions and thoughts? Describe whatever is happening in simple sentences. Use neutral, not emotional, words. For example, my boyfriend just said that he likes red heads (stressor). Since I have blonde hair I felt anger (emotion). The anger started in my face in the form of tension (body location of the emotion). I want to yell at him for insulting me (action impulse). My thoughts are speeding up (effect on thought process).

3. Use the positive affirmations "I am in control." "I think before acting." to help you avoid reacting impulsively.

4. The fourth step is to visualize a safe and appropriate action plan and, then, obtain the results you want.

Visualizing. When visualizing we use our imagination to create a powerful motivating image in our mind's eye. Imagination is an ability that all of us have, though few of us make full use of its enormous potential. Many of us, however, use our imaginations to think up all the horrible things that could happen to us. We catastrophize about what could happen and in doing so we conjure all of the negative emotions that accompany our imaginary disasters.

Using visualization, we want you, instead, to harness the power of your imagination to guide yourself toward well thought out actions that keep you safe and improve the quality of your life.

Your objective is to visualize yourself engaged in positive action scenes in place of self-destructive, impulsive reactions to stressors. A well-visualized scene acts as a model for your behavior to follow. It motivates you to match your behavior to that model. It also helps you to confront your tendency toward negative thinking which is one of the consequences of the distorted self-image conditioned by your psychotraumatization. In fact, the main obstacle that we need to overcome in order to employ visualization is our tendency toward negative thinking. Negative thinking leads us to expect the worst, even though we may say otherwise to others and ourselves. Negative thinking tells us, "I can never learn this!" and "It won't work anyway, its stupid!" Negative thinking has one purpose only: to keep us trapped in the Borderline Zone.

Here is a practice exercise to help you develop better visualization skills:

Obtaining. Obtaining is the final ROVO Soothing skill. It means putting into action the plan that you visualized. It means obtaining the results you visualize and want. Obtaining means focused action that gets desired results. It requires a clear vision of what you want, a sound, thoughtful decision to act, and execution of your decision with determination.

Now let's put the entire Soothing skill set together.

1. Use SDB and your key phrase to calm you emotions and impulses.

2. Use Objectifying to identify your stressors. Use it to describe the emotions and body locations of the emotions the stressors trigger. Use it to describe the action impulses the stressors trigger. Use it to describe the effect the stressors are having on your thought process. Use simple sentences and neutral words to objectify all of these situational elements.

3. Use the positive affirmations "I am in control" and "I think before acting" to prompt yourself to stay out of the Borderline Zone.

4. Visualize a healthy course of action. Make your vision as clear and as attractive as possible in your mind's eye. Repeat to yourself, "I want it, do it!"

5. Open your eyes and take control by executing your visualized action sequence. Obtain the results you want.

6. Ignore all negative thinking. Stay in the Recovery Zone.

Learning these skills will help you to overcome your BPD behavior patterns. As you put them to use in your everyday life you will feel better about yourself and discover new and better ways to handle old problems.

Try them, you'll like them!