BPD Center - Trust

8/28/2008

Trust

The factors that cause BPD undermine a person's willingness to trust others (and to even trust themselves). Trust is the basic currency of social commerce. Without it life becomes very impoverished.

BPD people need to learn to overcome their fear of trusting others. Disappointment and relationships go hand in hand. Risk nothing in a relationship and you will enjoy little. Trusting requires risk taking. BPD people fear these risks (and with good reason). A young man with BPD describes how his feelings were traumatized by his childhood experiences. Early psychotrauma helps to undermine the development of basic trust.

"Every word is a struggle. I´ve done so well blocking and hiding my feelings that it is hard to remember a lot. The one thing I never forget is the fear. Day in and day out, fear was always present in my life. I hated being scared all the time, never quite sure what to say or not to say. Not knowing what kind of mood my family members were in. Not knowing the impact, my words or actions would have on them. Every day the thoughts of the past haunt me. They still scare me. I remember when I was seven or eight, my parents, the raging alcoholics that they were, gave me an ultimatum . . . I did not live the normal life of a young boy, but instead the life of a scared and angry boy on the run from his emotions. My mind was like a pan of scrambled eggs. Most of the time I didn't know whether I was coming or going. Day in and day out I struggled to survive. Because my family was extremely volatile, one wrong word could set anyone off, even myself. I never liked living this way, but I didn't make the rules, I just played the game."

The child who grew up in a dysfunctional family does not learn much basic trust. This loss causes the child to doubt the validity of his own existence and distorts the child's sense of his own identity.

How much basic trust do you have for others? How would you rate this on a seven-point scale?

Basic Trust

Basic Mistrust

The dysfunctional family teaches its members to deny what is really happening. It invalidates the experiences and the feelings of its innocent children. It teaches mistrust of others and of self. It teaches them they are at fault. It teaches them that they are not wanted (if they were wanted, their caregivers would be happy). It teaches them that they are a bad seed. It teaches them that they are not in pain. It teaches them that they are not scared. It teaches them that they are not seeing and hearing and feeling what they are seeing, hearing and feeling. The reality of their experiences is denied. The world is the way their caregivers say it is, even if it isn't. They feel bad because they are bad. They learn to hate themselves. They learn to hate their life. They may even learn to hate being alive.

This experience helps to retard the development of trust and sets up the foundation for the development of BPD.

What Can You Do Now

Acknowledge the issues you have with trusting others openly and honestly.
Evaluate your childhood. Were you exposed to psychotraumatic experiences prior to the age of 18?
List the people who are close to you. Rate how much trust you have invested in them using the scale described earlier.
What stops you today from trusting others more? List your specific reasons and fears.

Go to the next step - Responsibility